Estory - 1 : Haffyness Fafa Ni Mosam Chesadu Anta

[k2s]

[size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif]Hi IL,
Thank you all for such a wonderful forum where people can pour out their feelings and get lot of guidance on life.
Here is my story - Got in to an arranged marriage at an early age, came to USA. Things are not working out between me and my husband. So ultimately we are going for separation soon. I have been experiencing this strange pity on my husband. I never had any pity for him before. Why now? I am unable to understand.
He is a stingy, stubborn and manipulative person. He has got some health problems which were affecting our married life activities. The problem aggravated after one year of marriage. As a result, he started suffering from inferiority complex, started to doubt me, and started to be jealous about me being healthy. And to top all this, he is a male chauvinist, big time. "Wife is never equal to husband", "wife is not supposed to have a voice in a family decision" were some of his thoughts. His parents are super duper possessive over their son, always wanting to keep both of us separate. Ultimately they succeeded and we are filing for divorce soon.
I may be wrong, but I feel, because he thinks women are so degrading and since he has a health problem, he might not marry anyone in the future. His parents are happy together and so are all of his relatives. He will be the only person who will end up all alone after this divorce. I want to get my life back on track so hence I will definitely marry some normal person someday. But the thought of him being alone all his life is making me feel pity for him and guilty about myself. Even though he asked for divorce, I am now feeling that I should not have agreed to it readily and that I should have tried to save this marriage. Believe me, after readily agreeing for divorce, I changed my mind and tried to have a mature adult conversation with him, but he is in a different mindset altogether. So finally I gave up and have agreed to it.
I know I should be moving on with my life and not worry about him especially after suffering so much in 3 years of my marriage. Ladies, please help me in getting over this feeling of guilt and pity. Is this normal? Does everyone get this feeling when going through separation? What should I do to overcome it?
P.S: I am financially independent and have been living separately from him for some time now.[/font][/size]

[Spartan]

font penchu..

[Spartan]

[size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif][b]QN[/b]: Ladies, please help me in getting over this feeling of guilt and pity. Is this normal? Does everyone get this feeling when going through separation? What should I do to overcome it?[/font][/size]

[size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif][b]Ans:[/b] I will definitely marry some normal person someday.[/font][/size] Keep looking for that guy..


PS: "[size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif]I am financially independent and have been living separately from him for some time now." ATB for that attitude....[/font][/size] [size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif] [/font][/size][size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif] [/font][/size][size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif] [/font][/size][size=5][font=times new roman,times,serif] [/font][/size]

[BenzCircle]

[k2s]

Fafa 1 reply :
During divorce you go through a grief process....death of a marriage. Doesn't matter if it was a bad one....you still grieve. I suggest getting some books on grief and reading them. One that I read some years ago was "Living Through Personal Crisis" and it helped me a lot. The gried process has all sorts of stages such as anger, guilt, etc. Also right now use your mind over your vascillating emotions. I think you know that divorce is the best decision in your situation. We have all seen women get stuck in hell due to a moment of weakness.



Fafa 2 reply :

Pity and feeling for someone is NOT the thing to base a marriage off of. My dh agreed to marry his first wife (arranged marriage) mainly because he FELT BAD FOR HER as she was a divorcee and she lied and said her first husband beat her. So he thought he could play the hero and give a 'wronged girl' a 'second chance'. Like you, he saw that all her other relatives were married and felt bad that she was alone. Well, she was alone for a very good reason. Within two years time they were divorced. The 'innocent girl' turned out to be a psycho. Same way with your husband.... you are taking pity on him, and in doing so, are turning a blind eye to the behaviors and traits in him which you cannot stand! He is going to be alone again for a reason... and that reason is he is a hard person to get along with. Period. You have a very kind heart to be worried about him, but think whether he is really deserving of your heart. If he is like you say he is, probably you WOULD be better off with someone else. He wanted this divorce, you yourself think life would be better with someone else.... I suggest you let the divorce happen. Just my opinion.


Fafa 3 reply :

Hi,
This is my first post in this forum - after reading your feelings, I felt that I could be of a little help.

Yes, most women go through this phase about 'feeling pity' for their seperated (often abusive) husband. I think it is part of our upbringing where we are taught to be achievers/winners all the time and we take a failed marriage as a personal failure. We feel like we owe it to the spouses - to be fighting, trying anything, to make the marriage work.
After all, isnt that what marriage vows are about - "to hold and cherish" through ups and downs.

If it helps you - I say this from personal experience. I was seperated after a short marriage and went through all these phases (which I later realized were normal), before and even sometime AFTER the actual divorce. But believe me, time is a great healer. You will realize and pat yourself on the back for being strong and having made the right decision. That time will soon come.

I think in your situation, your ex-H's (first step - stop calling him H), health problems are adding to your feelings of sympathy. Please understand that it is okay to feel that - you were married to him after all.
But believe in the future - when both you and him move on and all this will be a distant past. Dont be surprised if he finds another partner before you do;)

I am happy to see that you are only focused on overcoming this. I would recommend:
1. Take up a job if you are not already working
2. Think of higher studies/another degree/courses (this is my favorite because I wished I had done that during that time).
3. Cultivate hobbies. friends
4. Volunteer - its amazing how helping somebody else can be so soothing.

Good Luck and Be Brave!!!

[king420]

neenu ante... mosaniki paryaya padannni nenu [img]http://gifsoup.com/view2/3956755/mukeshwalk-o.gif[/img]

[Spartan]

LMAO akkada Gang mottam..Divorcees, Second MArriage fafal to nindipoi unnatundi ga....


inka samsaram chakka diddu kune salaha evattaina istada akkada....



[quote name='k2s' timestamp='1344987680' post='1302310890']
Fafa 1 reply :
During divorce you go through a grief process....death of a marriage. Doesn't matter if it was a bad one....you still grieve. I suggest getting some books on grief and reading them. One that I read some years ago was "Living Through Personal Crisis" and it helped me a lot. The gried process has all sorts of stages such as anger, guilt, etc. Also right now use your mind over your vascillating emotions. I think you know that divorce is the best decision in your situation. We have all seen women get stuck in hell due to a moment of weakness.



Fafa 2 reply :

Pity and feeling for someone is NOT the thing to base a marriage off of. My dh agreed to marry his first wife (arranged marriage) mainly because he FELT BAD FOR HER as she was a divorcee and she lied and said her first husband beat her. So he thought he could play the hero and give a 'wronged girl' a 'second chance'. Like you, he saw that all her other relatives were married and felt bad that she was alone. Well, she was alone for a very good reason. Within two years time they were divorced. The 'innocent girl' turned out to be a psycho. Same way with your husband.... you are taking pity on him, and in doing so, are turning a blind eye to the behaviors and traits in him which you cannot stand! He is going to be alone again for a reason... and that reason is he is a hard person to get along with. Period. You have a very kind heart to be worried about him, but think whether he is really deserving of your heart. If he is like you say he is, probably you WOULD be better off with someone else. He wanted this divorce, you yourself think life would be better with someone else.... I suggest you let the divorce happen. Just my opinion.


Fafa 3 reply :

Hi,
This is my first post in this forum - after reading your feelings, I felt that I could be of a little help.

Yes, most women go through this phase about 'feeling pity' for their seperated (often abusive) husband. I think it is part of our upbringing where we are taught to be achievers/winners all the time and we take a failed marriage as a personal failure. We feel like we owe it to the spouses - to be fighting, trying anything, to make the marriage work.
After all, isnt that what marriage vows are about - "to hold and cherish" through ups and downs.

If it helps you - I say this from personal experience. I was seperated after a short marriage and went through all these phases (which I later realized were normal), before and even sometime AFTER the actual divorce. But believe me, time is a great healer. You will realize and pat yourself on the back for being strong and having made the right decision. That time will soon come.

I think in your situation, your ex-H's (first step - stop calling him H), health problems are adding to your feelings of sympathy. Please understand that it is okay to feel that - you were married to him after all.
But believe in the future - when both you and him move on and all this will be a distant past. Dont be surprised if he finds another partner before you do;)

I am happy to see that you are only focused on overcoming this. I would recommend:
1. Take up a job if you are not already working
2. Think of higher studies/another degree/courses (this is my favorite because I wished I had done that during that time).
3. Cultivate hobbies. friends
4. Volunteer - its amazing how helping somebody else can be so soothing.

Good Luck and Be Brave!!!
[/quote]

[Nellore Pedda reddy]

DB lo ilati uncles saana mande unnaru

[psycopk]

idi divorce ichi... vadu inko pelli chesukne varaku wait chestadi... cheskoka pote ide malli chesukuntadi...with conditions

[Spartan]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1344988004' post='1302310929']
idi divorce ichi... vadu inko pelli chesukne varaku wait chestadi... [size=7]cheskoka pote ide malli chesukuntadi...[/size]
[/quote]
how on earth is that possible ya...

[k2s]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1344988004' post='1302310929']
idi divorce ichi... vadu inko pelli chesukne varaku wait chestadi... cheskoka pote ide malli chesukuntadi...with conditions
[/quote]u mean marrying the same old $hit

[psycopk]

[quote name='ChittiNaidu' timestamp='1344988037' post='1302310933']
how on earth is that possible ya...
[/quote] wait and see.. LLT this thread after 3-5 years..

[k2s]

[quote name='ChittiNaidu' timestamp='1344988037' post='1302310933']
how on earth is that possible ya...
[/quote]oka fafa doubt :

I am getting divorced and I am wondering what are my prospects for dating and remarriage. It was a short marriage, I have no kids and I am 30. If someone is further down the line, please share. Do we only have divorced and widowed men to choose from, because single ones will think we are damaged goods? What are your experiences with dating American men? I want to have a partner and kids at some point but I wonder if marriage is worth the risk any more. It is easy to get married but the divorce process is long and bitter and tortuous.

[Spartan]

[quote name='k2s' timestamp='1344988122' post='1302310940']
oka fafa doubt :

I am getting divorced and I am wondering what are my prospects for dating and remarriage. It was a short marriage, I have no kids and I am 30. If someone is further down the line, please share. Do we only have divorced and widowed men to choose from, because single ones will think we are damaged goods? What are your experiences with dating American men? I want to have a partner and kids at some point but I wonder if marriage is worth the risk any more. It is easy to get married but the divorce process is long and bitter and tortuous.
[/quote]
tinadaniki tindi leka okadu edustunte..Beggar vachi Biryani adigadanta.....

[psycopk]

[quote name='k2s' timestamp='1344988122' post='1302310940']
oka fafa doubt :

I am getting divorced and I am wondering what are my prospects for dating and remarriage. It was a short marriage, I have no kids and I am 30. If someone is further down the line, please share. Do we only have divorced and widowed men to choose from, because single ones will think we are damaged goods? What are your experiences with dating American men? I want to have a partner and kids at some point but I wonder if marriage is worth the risk any more. It is easy to get married but the divorce process is long and bitter and tortuous.
[/quote] neelanti vallaki marriage enduku.. .poi nachina vaditho paduko dating peru tho... bore kottinapudu okadiki book cheseyi