Estory - 2 : Over-Analysis

[k2s]

I have been married 2 years, it was an arranged marriage, I have been living in the US for the last 2 yrs. Just penning down these points to clarify my thoughts...all the experienced ladies I request you to PLEASE advise on whether I am being unreasonable (or not) . Am i overeacting?????????????????

I am extremely depressed most of the time, feel like a failure, and desperately need to take control of my own life.

1) Top most reason: I am a bit of an introvert and have always liked the extrovertish kind of person. From the beginning itself I knew my husband was a much bigger introvert than me, but he was always a sincere and understanding guy and I thought maybe being not social is not that important. But the fact remains, to this day he does not have a single friend even though he has been in the US for many years. he spends all holidays alone, doing nothing other than watching TV and talking to his mother. The reason why this is affecting me is that I was extremely lonely when I moved here from India and always had to take extra initiative to get myself (and him) a social circle. But most of the time he doesnot gel well in a group so after one meeting or so, people leave us alone. I love clubbing and partying ocassionally, having always stayed in a metro in india, but since my husband doesnt drink/dance we have never really enjoyed ouselves like many young couples in the US do. I have stopped going out on vacation with him since i get bored. I feel we have lost that mental connection long ago.

2) He is a HUGE momma's boy and I do not get along well with his mother at all, Its the usual issue, his mother considers him God and waits on him hand and foot, both in india and when she came to visit him in US . Needless to say I am supposed to do the same. She follows way too many superstitions and MEANINGLESS customs (like using dishwasher is harmful, so pls wash the dishes by hand !!!!!!) and her possessiveness about her son borders on the verge of being a lunatic. (like holding her sons hand tightly while walking on the road) . She has often misbehaved in public and most of the time I am seriously ashamed of taking her out in a public gathering.

But i have to add that my husband often takes my side during arguments. The end result is, however, that my MIL starts shouting and creates an ugly scene and we are both forced to shut up.I think he has lived under her thumb so long that he is often incapable of taking decisions on his own.
I have tried my best to adjust , but i can NEVER expect him to break off ties with his mother and when she is old he needs to take care of her. I cannot imagine myslef living under the same roof with her.



3) My marriage is unconsummated. Yes. Dont even want to discuss this further, but now I dont even feel like trying.



4) My professional life is down in the dumps and I have been unemployed since the time I moved here. i had a very good job in india and am very well qualified but even after lots of efforts i am not able to find anything good here. all my other friends who've moved to the US have managed to get jobs and my self esteem is at an all time low and that is affecting our relationship.

I cant think of a 5th reason. Last but not the least if you meet my husband you will find him to be an extremely polite, helpful, nice guy, and he IS one. He is highly qualified, was doing pretty well professionally (until recently when marital problems starting taking a toll ), and by nature is very unselfish and understanding.

But I am feeling more and more, that its not enough....I am thinking of a temporary separation...but I know these problems will not get solved on their own. Is it even worth trying??? Is there ANYTHING i can do??????PLEASE help me.

[k2s]

fafa 1 reply :

1)
Girl...I didnt understand this point...You call yourself introvert...and you say being in a metro area you went out for partying/dancing/drinking...so are you an introvert or partying and going out kind???[img]http://www.IndusLadies.com/forums/images/smilies/bonk.gif[/img]

Now before wedding...most of the single guys may/may not have touch with friends who are married/who have family..might be they all call each other or meet once in a while...single guys often share apt/expenses and thats where the story ends..not everyone makes good friends around...having said that..YES there are guys out there who have good friends and neighbours no matter whether they are single/married...

Also If you had made neighbours and he is not able to gel well...might be you cant change his 20+ yrs of nature in just 2 yrs isnt it??? give him some time..may be he would come along... why dont you arrange for game nights or short mall visits or some card games or some potlucks...here in US no one would stick around...everyone needs their own privacy..that includes your neighbours / friends too...may be they are leaving you alone as they want you both to have some time together...and might be they think you would call or meet them when ever you are free...keep at it..am sure your husband would come along!!!

By the way every women who comes on H4 to US goes through some initial period of loneliness/depression but you got to shake yourself out of it, take up some hobbies, learn some thing new , join classes...add value to your resume and who knows in future you may get achance to work..even with out that you have so many things to do being a house wife..

2)
Now how many of the posts on IL have this problem!!!! you have to figure out a way to work aroudn things...there are people out there who have bigger issues..like being abused...being harrassed or controlled...so in comparison to those can we say you are in a better position..

OK you MIL holds your husbands' hand when she comes to US...might be she is feeling insecure..she is not gonna stay all the while right?? for few months let her have her way..whats wrong in it?? (that too when you know your husband takes your side during arguments[img]http://www.IndusLadies.com/forums/images/smilies/coffee.gif[/img])

NEVER expect or even think remotely that a husband has to break off his ties with his parents...can you do that???yes when the parents get old son/ daughter have to take care of them..I just dont understand...where is the humanity or atleast min. concern for elderly people here???? most of the inlaws behave like your inlaws..but we have to work a way out of all this...but not expect to ###### away a son from his parents!!!! how would you feel if you have a kid and some one snatches away and doesnt want you to be around anymore??? can you take that??? (Get your expectations right!!!)

Figure out a way to solve or deal with what your MIL does / acts...but dont try to make this as the issue for your marriage problems..


3)

Ofcourse this is the biggest REASON...of all the ones you mentioned...Any particular reason?? did you approach him? did you try to be intimate or atleast try to hold his hands or sit closely with him??? did he try anytime to come near you?? if not...how about trying it from your end itself??? if you tried all this...why dont you try asking your husband and having a open talk with him as to what is it thats bothering him or keeping him away??? can you both go to a therapist???

4)
Every women who comes on H4 is having this problem...you are not alone in this!! but people pick it up from there...find out what can be done and get it done...wont blame the marriage for ruining the career..if you were so career oriented you should have told your husband you can come only on H1 ...or you should have made it clear to him about your expectaitons on career before wedding itself...


If you have given all good qualities about your husband..I personally see nothing wrong in your relationship..except for the intimacy ....might be you have to start picking it up from there and work on this on how to get it fixed...and move forward...

We all point out westerners saying , women in western countries divorce husbands because the husband snores etc..etc...now out of all the reasons you mentioned I have not seen a single point which should actually make you take that decision of divorce....EVERY PROBLEM can be fixed provided we are willing to try to fix it...If you had already tried to fix it..please let us know how you did it!!

By the way in what way does that temporary separation help you???? ask yourself what are you expecting at the end of the day!! If you want to give him time to think about some thing...then yes temporary separation would help...but did you ever have a discussion with him..if yes about what??? because all the above points except physical intimacy...seem very silly and very common...

Think it over....(having said all the above..I am just assuming..might be when you started posting your problem on IL..you got more emotional and used that word divorce...)

[psycopk]

she is ready for an affair...

[dadarlingva]

Vammo

[dadarlingva]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]

ROFL

[Spartan]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]

[Sastrygaru]

intha peeedh peedhaa replylu quochens lu vestunarante.. Il ladies ki pani paata lekunda pooyindhi.. and in this case.. ee ammai ove rgaane aalochistondi.. valla MIL paata taram kaavochu.. andhuke ala ndochu.. i dont see any fault in cathing your hand firmly while corssing the road.. if youre complaining that youre Dumb.. brain ki kaali ga pedithe ittanti thoughts ee vastaay.. emanna pani suuskoovali..

[Chivas_regal]

[quote name='ChittiNaidu' timestamp='1345139189' post='1302320051']

[/quote]
[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]

Aa maatram korikalu vuntai ga [color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif][img]http://lh4.ggpht.com/-VC9UAsl0jkY/T9VVAKa-aCI/AAAAAAAAGo0/IrUGkLHXRt8/s150/PK-3.gif[/img][/font][/color]

[MMS MAMA]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]
are u ready then

[Sastrygaru]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]

not agreed.. you cant come to a conclusion..

[Spartan]

[quote name='Sastrygaru' timestamp='1345139296' post='1302320071']

not agreed.. you cant come to a conclusion..
[/quote]


wait for another pst from same ID in IL after a month or so...or until she finds a charming boy..next door....

[Sastrygaru]

[quote name='ChittiNaidu' timestamp='1345139570' post='1302320103']
wait for another pst from same ID in IL after a month or so...or until she finds a charming boy..next door....
[/quote]

same quote neeku bhi.. lonely ga feel ayyinanatra maatrana.. inkokadani suuskovadame naa.. tell me one line in that whole matter where she Might be looking for another guy.. direct gaa cheppakapooyina.. etta forecast chestaru.. she is trying to change things..

her main frablem is her MIL..


I have tried my best to adjust , but i can NEVER expect him to break off ties with his mother and when she is old he needs to take care of her. I cannot imagine myslef living under the same roof with her.

[pandemkodi]

[quote name='psycopk' timestamp='1345139090' post='1302320038']
she is ready for an affair...
[/quote]

[puli_keka]

evatho pedda reply ichina excellent reply ichindhi.. keka .. cheyi pattukoni road daatihte deeniki em nosthundhi

"IDLE MIND IS DEVIL'S WORKSHOP"

[Sastrygaru]

Last but not the least if you meet my husband you will find him to be an extremely polite, helpful, nice guy, and he IS one. He is highly qualified, was doing pretty well professionally (until recently when marital problems starting taking a toll ), and by nature is very unselfish and understanding.


antha maatrana.. temporary seperation ante emanna realize ayyitad anna feeling.. inkodini line lo pedthadi ani kaakapoovachu..

mee lateral thinking ki nippetta..