rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Report Posted November 27, 2013 There Must Be a Reason !!!The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling with anger and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!""Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Rachel would NEVER do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face. " I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your E-mail.!"
rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Posted November 27, 2013 Man: Mistriji, bed majboot banana, mere bete ko bahu ke saath sona hai. Mistri: Aisa majboot banaunga ki saara mohalla Bahu ke saath soye to bhi nahin tootega. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'The husband, rejected, turns over.A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one dayto confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?''Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.'Yes, I did.' he replied.'My God, Bill, what happened? ''I got fired.''No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?''Oh...she got fired too.'------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Posted November 27, 2013 Naughty Doses of Laughter A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows... Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Posted November 27, 2013 A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The 4 ball waiting behind her was a group from Delhi that included Rahul Gandhi.Rahul quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Rahul Gandhi and I hope you'll vote for Congress in the coming General Elections. She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"
rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Posted November 27, 2013 Edhi Awesome (.L@ (.L@ On their first night, both husband and wife claimed to be a virg*n.Wife : '' Honey, are you sure you are a virg*n? If this is your first time, why are you doing so well?'' Husband : '' If this is your first time, how you know that I'm doing so well...?"
rapchik Posted November 27, 2013 Author Report Posted November 27, 2013 Decent Jokes for Family Viewing The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' ------------------------------------------------ A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' ------------------------------------------------ Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?''Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' ------------------------------------------------ One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' ------------------------------------------------ A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.' ------------------------------------------------ Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' ------------------------------------------------ Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
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