Jokes

[ManOnFire]

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
“Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly….it’s all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”

[ManOnFire]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.

Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.

So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man’s car bumper.

Then he yelled: Pull, Nellie, pull!

Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled: “Come on, pull Ranger!”

Still, Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled really loud: “Now pull, Fred…. pull hard!”

Benny just stood there.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said: “Ok, Benny… now pull.”

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious.

He asked the farmer: “I really appreciate that, but why did you call your horse by wrong name 3 times.”

“Why,” the farmer replied, “old Benny’s blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he won’t even try.”

[ManOnFire]

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

[ManOnFire]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[ManOnFire]

As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.

When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

[sam86]

uncle only 1 liners please ints peddavi paste cheyyadam easy ne gain chadavadam kashtam

[biscuitRAJA000]

The woman seated herself in the
psychiatrists office. "What seems to
be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I,
uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I
must advise you that my fee is $80 an
hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How
much for all night?"

[ManOnFire]

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? “

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

[biscuitRAJA000]

Doctor returns to his clinic after a day
off and asks his assistant Santa about
his patients.
Santa: 1st patient came with
headache. I gave him Saridon.
Doctor: Good Job.
Santa: 2nd with running nose and I
gave him Coldarin.
Doctor: Good job again!
Santa: 3rd patient was a lady. She
took-off her clothes on the bed,
opened her legs and said, "Help me, I
have not seen a Man for last 5
months".
Surprised Doctor,"What did you do
then"?
Santa: I put Ciplox eye drops in her eyes

[Avataar]

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

 

[ManOnFire]

Daily_Joke_20

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”

She raps the table. Then, with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”

[ManOnFire]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied.

“They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.”

“That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!”

He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”

[ManOnFire]

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch.

“So what was that for”, he asked.

“Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!”

[Avataar]

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch.

“So what was that for”, he asked.

“Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!”

[ManOnFire]

uncle only 1 liners please ints peddavi paste cheyyadam easy ne gain chadavadam kashtam

 

1 liners ki summer thaadu lepuko, danni beat out cheyyadam kastam, chala vesadu. idi edo lite ga kwamedy ga untayi opika techikoni chadivithey masth untay