What Is It That I Am Going Through?kindly Help Me To Come Out Of This.

[Spartan]

I was not at all like this before. I have not behaved in such a strange way. My married life is going on well. I quit my job a year ago because of work pressure. After that I went for competitive exam coaching. Once that course was done, I kept preparing at home for exams. But the feeling of nothing doing and sitting idle is making me to break my head. I am TTC and we have some fertility issues. So that is moving on in one side. On the other, I have really started to hate sitting idle at home so much so that recently I am bursting out very much for no reason. I know its my mistake. I know I am hurting my mom and husband, but sometimes couldn't control and resist myself. Recently I missed a chance in an exam by very minute mark. I don't know whether my behaviour is like this because of that. That was my last chance. Can't appear for that exam again.

The first time that I shouted was when my husband told me not to worry about job and child. It will happen and he told me lets pray for that and for now instead of worrying about all this he told me to relax and indulge in some hobbies or whatever I like to do. But to his shock, I blasted like mad. I couldn't resist it. I don't know why. He understood that I was stressed. He then spoke some positive and encouraging words. After that for 2-3 days I was feeling very positive and happy. Again after that It started. I don't know why I am behaving like this. My mother stays with us and I feel bad and but I did the same to her. I know it would hurt her very much but couldn't control myself. When I feel bad about it and share it with my DH, he said never repeat the same again and don't hurt elders. But this is happening again and again. I am not doing it for wanted. But sometimes I feel huge pressure within myself that I burst out. I speak all negative stuffs and shout like hell. I am afraid if this continues It will affect our marriage life and my mother's love.

(Since my field of education does not have good scope in Tamil Nadu, I couldn't get a job in my field. I am interested in teaching but none of the school is ready to hire me, because I am TTC). I am positive for some days and after that the pressure starts hitting my head again. Tried reading books, doing some craft works but nothing helped and right now no interest to do that. (though these were my hobbies)
Kindly help me ladies as am unable to judge myself right now. Is it because of no job or is it because I long for a child to spent time with or am I doing this because of some complex within me..Don't know exactly what I am into..Please help..
Don't want to hurt my loving mom and hus anymore.

[sattipandu]

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