Guilt & insecure - Life story

[Zindagi247]

I can't re live my past and avoid the mistake that I've made.

Nenu chinpatinunchi escapist ni. ee alavatu ekada nunchi abbindo telidu. School lo pressure tatukoleka bunk kottevadini. bunk kotti next malli school ki velalante bully chestharu ani edo oka saku cheppi intlo leave teskune vadini. Basically I was never a dumb student. I can grasp well but distract ayyevadini easy ga. Intha irregular ga school ki velina 7th varaku 80%+ vochevi marks. But 7th taruvatha school change ayya adi inko rod school..too much ga tomevaru morning 8;30 am nunchi evening 8:30pm varaku with hardly 1 hr break. Denitho asalu chaduvu ante virakti vochindemo 8th lo baga bunk kotti timepass cheyadam start chesa. grades dropped. elagola malli 80%+ tho 10th aypoyindi.

Next inter..10th lo 83% entho vochindi. So narayana chaitanya lo 10th grades batti sections divide chesevaru apatlo. Nenu edo below average group unde section lo padda. Akkada ante morning to evening batti kotadame..but migilina classmates kante better grades vochevi section topper ayevadini..so over confidence perigindi..I think ide time lo maa intlo PC konnaru. Naa room lone undedi. Various forums undedi engineering entrance exams prep ki. Vatilo register ayya. apatike naku inferiority complex undadam valla friends cheskoledu chala mandini school nundi..inter lo unna iddaru mugguru friends ye baga close ayyaru. So ee online forums, yahoo chat groups vetilo time waste chesevadini ekkua inter lo undaga. Virtual persons tho ekkuva attachment undedi anonymous kabatti and mana weakness valaku teliyadu kabatti. ala eamcet, aieee, bitsat ila deniki focused ga prepare avaledu. Inter lo undaga naa goal is to crack bitsat and get into bits pilani. but over confidence or take it easy attitude vallano kani seriousness ledu eppudu. anni entrance exams lo fail. bitsat score chusa depression lo ki vella. alal padukune unde vadini chala rojulu anni kolpoyinattu. eamcet kuda edo waste rank vochindi. edo dabba college lo join ayyanu b.tech. 

maa inti nunchi chala dooram college. so college bus lo velali..bunk seenu malli bayataki vochesadu..naa life lo first time 4 subjects fail ayya. ala b.tech motham supplies tho nindipoyindi. Inka naa life aypoyindi anukunna. B.tech lo undaga inka online forums lo friends ayna valatho touch lone unna..naa bokkalu valaku teliyavu kabatti inka timepass chesevadini alane sollu veskunte. Ammayilu ekkuva undevaru..so real life lo face cheyaleka ila online parichayam ayna valatho matlade vadini. Baaga friends ayaru chala mandi. same age group kabatti mutual interests undevi. yedo rakanga b.tech pass aypoya second class lo. degree chusthe pallilu katikodaniki tappa ah paper deniki use avadu esp job kottali ante ani ardham ayindi. campus placements ki eligible kadu..so b.ltech ayaka ah course ee course ani enni chesina ekkedi kadu. Maa friends andaru US veltunaru MS ki. Naku India lo unte inka epatiki set avanu..atleast Masters chesthe aina fate marutundi emo ani consultancy ki velli naa degree chupinchi em colleges vosthayo vatiki apply cheyi ani cheppi apatikapudu gre rasa without prep avg score vochindi..konni public universities and konni private vatiki admission vochindi. unna vatillo oka dabba university pick cheskunna just because friends unaru akkada ani even though I had better colleges admits. Visa stamping ayindi. US vocha MS cheyadaniki.

Maa university lo antha Indians ye max MS CS lo. Mana telugu jathi ratnale ekkuva andulo kuda. Malli oke room lo ekkuva mandi undadam, part time ila vetilo padi edo MS aypoyindi grades bane vochayi. opt start ayindi. fulltime kottali elagina ani first 90 days waste chesa trials lo. Inka edo consultancy lo join ayya. accrediation dobbindi. cpt lo second masters lo join ayya. apatike job vochindi. first project qa, next dba, malli qa, next java ippudu malli qa. h1 vochindi 2 years back. inka contracting job ye chestunna..risk teskoleka. India stamping ki vella maa masters university name and 2nd masters chusi admin processing padindi. adi clear ayyi malli US vochi edo job lo nettukostunna.

Naa age 29 years. Ipatiki baga inferiority complex undi naku..low self esteem and low confidence. Mood swings, depression baga affect chestuntayi nannu..introvert ni..online lo parichayam ayna valandarini touch lo lenu inka naa daridram ayna jeevitham valaki telisthe ekkada chulakana aypotano ani. Naku parichayam ayna vallalo oka ammayi naku chala istam undedi. She lived my dream. Bits lo btech, US lo one of the top university lo masters. Best job. She got married 4 years ago and is living happily now. I'm happy for her but naa gurinchi alochisthene na life intha spoil cheskunna na chetulara anipistundi. 2 years back oka ammayi parichayam ayindi mutual friends dwara. Ah ammayi tho parichayam perige lope pelli set ayyi nenu India lo admin processing tho irruku poyi unde time lone pelli aypoyindi ameku kuda. Na last crush ah ammayi. Maa intlo naku matches chustunaru but naku evarni chusina na life lo nachina iddaru ammayilu tho compare cheskuni vere evaru nachatledu. I'm thinking of staying single forever. 

Na life inkepudu bagupadutundo telidu. Na relatives and friends andari tho compare cheskunte I'm still not settled in life. Ipatiki I'm still clueless, depressed. lack self esteem and confidence. Attention span tagipoyindi. Emi new skill nerchukundam ante avatledu. online courses ki money pay chestunna but attend avatledu em ekkatledu ani. I'm scared that my life will not any any progress towards betterment. 

Age 14 to 24 is very precious. ee time lo manam teskune steps valle mana life shape avtundi. Nenu ah 10 years waste cheskunna. I'm repenting now. This guilt will never leave me

[Zindagi247]

asamarthudi jeevithayatra apt title emo naa life lo

[RoadRomeo]

online parichayalu....reality ki dooram ani telisindhi ne posts tho..

ok now only face to face try cheyyi....bars, clubs, casinos.

 

 

 

[Zindagi247]

1 minute ago, RoadRomeo said:

online parichayalu....reality ki dooram ani telisindhi ne posts tho..

ok now only face to face try cheyyi....bars, clubs, casinos.

 

 

 

Yes. I'm not street smart..edo shell lo unattu periga..parents never wanted to hurt me as apatike depressed ga unde vadini ani. But 80% ala grades maintain chestunna ani urukune varu. B.tech baga debbesindi. 

bars, clubs, casinos deniki..new friendships akarledu naku. I'll feel more insecure & inferior. Naku unna 5-6 friends chalu. But the guilt that I spoiled my career anedi is bothering me. Bits lo executive masters undi. I want to enroll in that. But ipatike two masters degrees unnayi. Idi enduku anipistondi. But bits degree vochina naa life lo nenu anukunadi okadi ayna sadincha ane satisfaction untundi emo anipistondi. 

[TruthTruth]

13 minutes ago, Zindagi247 said:

Yes. I'm not street smart..edo shell lo unattu periga..parents never wanted to hurt me as apatike depressed ga unde vadini ani. But 80% ala grades maintain chestunna ani urukune varu. B.tech baga debbesindi. 

bars, clubs, casinos deniki..new friendships akarledu naku. I'll feel more insecure & inferior. Naku unna 5-6 friends chalu. But the guilt that I spoiled my career anedi is bothering me. Bits lo executive masters undi. I want to enroll in that. But ipatike two masters degrees unnayi. Idi enduku anipistondi. But bits degree vochina naa life lo nenu anukunadi okadi ayna sadincha ane satisfaction untundi emo anipistondi. 

Life chala undi ... 24 lopu tiskune decisions life impact ante.. emaindi life sagam kuda kale.. you are responsible for your life .. never late , forget past and concentrate on present so that future becomes better .migitavanni faltu talks 

[RedThupaki]

You are dwelling in your past and living in delusions

You are assuming you could have secured and studied better and get into best or top league colleges - lets say you had done that part , so what's now? 

Manchi schooling , college, university etc etc job, beautiful women, wife, pillalu, inkaa ? Nee saavu kooda mars lo plan chesukovaala ? Even after death your mind will still think  I should have chosen a better planet than mars for your death...

Kill your thoughts which makes you a different person , accept the reality - this is very very very difficult but it is the only way..

Start slowly living without thinking about past, 

Also one thing I would say is - "you are killing your own life, by attaching you with something else without "living"

Life had given good parents ( I suppose from your comments), financial advantage to come to US even though you are being a under performer, you are blessed with good health - why are you thinking about all these stuff?? Ivanni leni vaallu india lonely edho okati chesukoni brathukuthunaaru? What's your take on them?

Stop thinking , live...

Inka chaala chepochu....but paragraphs paragraphs raayaley...I don't have time...

Finally, once you have control over your mind then get married else you will repent for your wife , children , health etc etc...your entire life will be action drama...but not "life"

Ippudaitheyy nuvvu okadivey tharavatha nee valla nee wife and children suffer avuthaaru..be careful..

Sorry if hurt you but that's reality...

[RedThupaki]

Last but not least

You have again chosen a forum, which is anonymous with people using fake profiles etc..they can be good friends but cant be real I presume atleast...and you are seeking suggestions ? Ha ha

[Zindagi247]

1 hour ago, RedThupaki said:

Last but not least

You have again chosen a forum, which is anonymous with people using fake profiles etc..they can be good friends but cant be real I presume atleast...and you are seeking suggestions ? Ha ha

Not here to make friends, I've passed that phase of my life where I search for friends online. Also not seeking suggestions here. Suggestion ichina follow avthanu ani ledu but oka different POV lo advice istharu kabatti post chesa anthe. Edo timepass ki create cheskunna account. I'm not that active too. 

I just wanted to get this out of me. eroju koncham dull ga unna rojantha. Ive thoughts anni. Anduke I've just shared what I was feeling. Nanu succeed avadaniki kavalsinavi anni provide chesaru naku..but nene utilise cheskokunda naa precious age spoil cheskunna ane guilt undi. I might do well in my career later but college life and ah age lo unde friendships, goals avevi ralevu ga ippudu. Adokate badha. 

[Zindagi247]

Quote

Finally, once you have control over your mind then get married else you will repent for your wife , children , health etc etc...your entire life will be action drama...but not "life"

Ippudaitheyy nuvvu okadivey tharavatha nee valla nee wife and children suffer avuthaaru..be careful..

Ide main problem ippudu. Naku nachina iddaru ammayilu at different phases of my life got married already. FIrst di more like a friend anukovachu but 2nd ammayi kosam I changed myself to be a better person. This was not even a virtual interaction. We met couple of times too. Maa parents ki kuda parichayam ye. US return ayaka aa ammayiki I wanted to convey my feelings. But it was too late by then. I'm unable to forget her so vostunna prati match reject chestunna thinking about her. So edina match ki ok cheppina 100% vopukolenu. Anduke single ga undipodam anukuntunna. But inka 10yrs ayaka idi mistake chesanu ane guilt untundemo ane bhayam kuda undi. 

[csrcsr]

Weekend manchi  Glen scotch techuko regular 12 or founder reserve, room lo manchi nikubistmaina slow music petuko

Think of all the skills you have puck the past and future and live in the present moment niku nuvve thopu stop comparing and write down the steps how to run your own race

Time vasthe pilla, pelli ani set avutayi

Don't make the past decide your future happiness for workout ,yoga meditation to get you to present moment 

[RedThupaki]

1 hour ago, Zindagi247 said:

Ide main problem ippudu. Naku nachina iddaru ammayilu at different phases of my life got married already. FIrst di more like a friend anukovachu but 2nd ammayi kosam I changed myself to be a better person. This was not even a virtual interaction. We met couple of times too. Maa parents ki kuda parichayam ye. US return ayaka aa ammayiki I wanted to convey my feelings. But it was too late by then. I'm unable to forget her so vostunna prati match reject chestunna thinking about her. So edina match ki ok cheppina 100% vopukolenu. Anduke single ga undipodam anukuntunna. But inka 10yrs ayaka idi mistake chesanu ane guilt untundemo ane bhayam kuda undi. 

Love, success, pain,guilt , achievements, friends, sixx etc etc all are part of life only

imagine you had conveyed your feelings to the girl you had crush with - if the girl doesn't accepted you? What will you do

yoh have changed yourself for a girl/loverr but why? Cant you be yourself...perhaps your girl friend might had liked the changed version of you but not real "you" eventually if she found real "you"...she definitely get away from you..?

I repeat , you are dwelling in the past and making a hypothetical life which came out of your thoughts but not from "your" own life...

In simple terms, life is cycle of events and decisions....you had decided something earlier and you are here..

Now you decide something practical , definitely you will be somewhere where at least you will be happy and enjoying life..

Now if you dwell on something already decided ..its futile...

I hope you will understand this...else...let say you got placed in bits, then top univ in US etc and met with an accident ? And lost your limbs? What do you then? Idhi kooda think cheyyi ...only success  resulted version maathtramey enduku? 

Else you had worked hard ...blah blah...super school..super job...and flattened by a bxtch , married her and later realised she ditched you?

Tell these things to your thoughts and realise you are happy man ....

 

 

 

[RedThupaki]

1 hour ago, Zindagi247 said:

Not here to make friends, I've passed that phase of my life where I search for friends online. Also not seeking suggestions here. Suggestion ichina follow avthanu ani ledu but oka different POV lo advice istharu kabatti post chesa anthe. Edo timepass ki create cheskunna account. I'm not that active too. 

I just wanted to get this out of me. eroju koncham dull ga unna rojantha. Ive thoughts anni. Anduke I've just shared what I was feeling. Nanu succeed avadaniki kavalsinavi anni provide chesaru naku..but nene utilise cheskokunda naa precious age spoil cheskunna ane guilt undi. I might do well in my career later but college life and ah age lo unde friendships, goals avevi ralevu ga ippudu. Adokate badha. 

As i said , everything coming out of thoughts not "you" realise this first...

[Chay]

7 hours ago, Zindagi247 said:

asamarthudi jeevithayatra apt title emo naa life lo

nuvvu asamarthudivi kaadu samardhudive.. oka procrastinator jeevitha yatra apt tile

[Sputnik]

Just now, Chay said:

nuvvu asamarthudivi kaadu samardhudive.. oka procrastinator jeevitha yatra apt tile

oka MOD trp kashtalu is apt 

[Fish]

Forget what you studied or what happened in life till now....Start afresh and fulfill your dreams 

I am telling this with my personal life experience