Guilt & insecure - Life story

[Sputnik]

2 minutes ago, zarathustra said:

My eventual goal is to meditate one hour a day. 30 minutes in the morning at 5 am and 30 minutes before I go to bed at 11 pm.

I'm building a meditation garden in our backyard with bamboo trees, miniature waterfall, raised platform to sit etc 

[quickgun_murugun]

8 hours ago, Zindagi247 said:

I can't re live my past and avoid the mistake that I've made.

Nenu chinpatinunchi escapist ni. ee alavatu ekada nunchi abbindo telidu. School lo pressure tatukoleka bunk kottevadini. bunk kotti next malli school ki velalante bully chestharu ani edo oka saku cheppi intlo leave teskune vadini. Basically I was never a dumb student. I can grasp well but distract ayyevadini easy ga. Intha irregular ga school ki velina 7th varaku 80%+ vochevi marks. But 7th taruvatha school change ayya adi inko rod school..too much ga tomevaru morning 8;30 am nunchi evening 8:30pm varaku with hardly 1 hr break. Denitho asalu chaduvu ante virakti vochindemo 8th lo baga bunk kotti timepass cheyadam start chesa. grades dropped. elagola malli 80%+ tho 10th aypoyindi.

Next inter..10th lo 83% entho vochindi. So narayana chaitanya lo 10th grades batti sections divide chesevaru apatlo. Nenu edo below average group unde section lo padda. Akkada ante morning to evening batti kotadame..but migilina classmates kante better grades vochevi section topper ayevadini..so over confidence perigindi..I think ide time lo maa intlo PC konnaru. Naa room lone undedi. Various forums undedi engineering entrance exams prep ki. Vatilo register ayya. apatike naku inferiority complex undadam valla friends cheskoledu chala mandini school nundi..inter lo unna iddaru mugguru friends ye baga close ayyaru. So ee online forums, yahoo chat groups vetilo time waste chesevadini ekkua inter lo undaga. Virtual persons tho ekkuva attachment undedi anonymous kabatti and mana weakness valaku teliyadu kabatti. ala eamcet, aieee, bitsat ila deniki focused ga prepare avaledu. Inter lo undaga naa goal is to crack bitsat and get into bits pilani. but over confidence or take it easy attitude vallano kani seriousness ledu eppudu. anni entrance exams lo fail. bitsat score chusa depression lo ki vella. alal padukune unde vadini chala rojulu anni kolpoyinattu. eamcet kuda edo waste rank vochindi. edo dabba college lo join ayyanu b.tech. 

maa inti nunchi chala dooram college. so college bus lo velali..bunk seenu malli bayataki vochesadu..naa life lo first time 4 subjects fail ayya. ala b.tech motham supplies tho nindipoyindi. Inka naa life aypoyindi anukunna. B.tech lo undaga inka online forums lo friends ayna valatho touch lone unna..naa bokkalu valaku teliyavu kabatti inka timepass chesevadini alane sollu veskunte. Ammayilu ekkuva undevaru..so real life lo face cheyaleka ila online parichayam ayna valatho matlade vadini. Baaga friends ayaru chala mandi. same age group kabatti mutual interests undevi. yedo rakanga b.tech pass aypoya second class lo. degree chusthe pallilu katikodaniki tappa ah paper deniki use avadu esp job kottali ante ani ardham ayindi. campus placements ki eligible kadu..so b.ltech ayaka ah course ee course ani enni chesina ekkedi kadu. Maa friends andaru US veltunaru MS ki. Naku India lo unte inka epatiki set avanu..atleast Masters chesthe aina fate marutundi emo ani consultancy ki velli naa degree chupinchi em colleges vosthayo vatiki apply cheyi ani cheppi apatikapudu gre rasa without prep avg score vochindi..konni public universities and konni private vatiki admission vochindi. unna vatillo oka dabba university pick cheskunna just because friends unaru akkada ani even though I had better colleges admits. Visa stamping ayindi. US vocha MS cheyadaniki.

Maa university lo antha Indians ye max MS CS lo. Mana telugu jathi ratnale ekkuva andulo kuda. Malli oke room lo ekkuva mandi undadam, part time ila vetilo padi edo MS aypoyindi grades bane vochayi. opt start ayindi. fulltime kottali elagina ani first 90 days waste chesa trials lo. Inka edo consultancy lo join ayya. accrediation dobbindi. cpt lo second masters lo join ayya. apatike job vochindi. first project qa, next dba, malli qa, next java ippudu malli qa. h1 vochindi 2 years back. inka contracting job ye chestunna..risk teskoleka. India stamping ki vella maa masters university name and 2nd masters chusi admin processing padindi. adi clear ayyi malli US vochi edo job lo nettukostunna.

Naa age 29 years. Ipatiki baga inferiority complex undi naku..low self esteem and low confidence. Mood swings, depression baga affect chestuntayi nannu..introvert ni..online lo parichayam ayna valandarini touch lo lenu inka naa daridram ayna jeevitham valaki telisthe ekkada chulakana aypotano ani. Naku parichayam ayna vallalo oka ammayi naku chala istam undedi. She lived my dream. Bits lo btech, US lo one of the top university lo masters. Best job. She got married 4 years ago and is living happily now. I'm happy for her but naa gurinchi alochisthene na life intha spoil cheskunna na chetulara anipistundi. 2 years back oka ammayi parichayam ayindi mutual friends dwara. Ah ammayi tho parichayam perige lope pelli set ayyi nenu India lo admin processing tho irruku poyi unde time lone pelli aypoyindi ameku kuda. Na last crush ah ammayi. Maa intlo naku matches chustunaru but naku evarni chusina na life lo nachina iddaru ammayilu tho compare cheskuni vere evaru nachatledu. I'm thinking of staying single forever. 

Na life inkepudu bagupadutundo telidu. Na relatives and friends andari tho compare cheskunte I'm still not settled in life. Ipatiki I'm still clueless, depressed. lack self esteem and confidence. Attention span tagipoyindi. Emi new skill nerchukundam ante avatledu. online courses ki money pay chestunna but attend avatledu em ekkatledu ani. I'm scared that my life will not any any progress towards betterment. 

Age 14 to 24 is very precious. ee time lo manam teskune steps valle mana life shape avtundi. Nenu ah 10 years waste cheskunna. I'm repenting now. This guilt will never leave me

[Sputnik]

2 minutes ago, zarathustra said:

My eventual goal is to meditate one hour a day. 30 minutes in the morning at 5 am and 30 minutes before I go to bed at 11 pm.

I'm building a meditation garden in our backyard with bamboo trees, miniature waterfall, raised platform to sit etc 

you're about to live my fantasies vaa

[quickgun_murugun]

Duloxetine - 30 mg try cheyyu first 2 weeks then take 60 mg for anxiety depression and physical pain.

Common side effects - GI issues, Libido issues undochu in some cases, tension headaches

If Duloxetine doesnt work I can change the prescription to Lexapro. 

Also take cyclobenzaprine for muscle relaxation 

................

I would suggest seeking Cognitive behavior therapy 

[quickgun_murugun]

5 minutes ago, zarathustra said:

My eventual goal is to meditate one hour a day. 30 minutes in the morning at 5 am and 30 minutes before I go to bed at 11 pm.

I'm building a meditation garden in our backyard with bamboo trees, miniature waterfall, raised platform to sit etc 

neekem problems unnay Tennis vuncle? manchiga mandu taagu mukka korku antey gaddi penchuta pandukunta antav endi?

[Sputnik]

Just now, quickgun_murugun said:

neekem problems unnay Tennis vuncle? manchiga mandu taagu mukka korku antey gaddi penchuta pandukunta antav endi?

meditation chesthe mandhu taagakundane kick ekkudhi murugan uncle

[quickgun_murugun]

Just now, Sputnik said:

meditation chesthe mandhu taagakundane kick ekkudhi murugan uncle

yeah sometimes... chex is also a good meditation prakriya

[keviinusa]

27 minutes ago, Zindagi247 said:

Bro manalomana mata..ivi chepadaniki baguntayi kani cheyadam antha easy na..esp habit form cheskodam adi committed ga follow avadam. Mindfull living try chestha..mainly tine appudu distractions lekunda em tintunano enjoy chestho tinadaniki..but ee process lo I get zoned out.

 

idi follow ayyi taravata raa

[zarathustra]

9 minutes ago, quickgun_murugun said:

neekem problems unnay Tennis vuncle? manchiga mandu taagu mukka korku antey gaddi penchuta pandukunta antav endi?

Problems ante career lo venaka badda ani oka feeling but work life balance super plus personal life happies.

Wife is making double what I do so kastha manam sampayiddam ane motivation kooda takkuvaindi anduke trying to motivate myself bro

[Chay]

42 minutes ago, Zindagi247 said:

I've watched many videos on procrastination. How to get over it? Watching videos itself causes procrastination I guess. I try to not use my laptop & phone on weekends atleast to disconnect myself from spending too much time online. But due to some or the other work I open my laptop and don't know how many hours I spend checking YT unknowingly.

why do you want to get over it?

if u found ur passion u will automatically go for it.. manaki chinnappatninchi rat race lo padesi eamcet rankulu bits pilani lu ani pakkollatho compare sestu penchutaru.. u r procrastinating because u find what u r doing is boring and not ur passion.. 

u r not alone man

 

[keviinusa]

46 minutes ago, zarathustra said:

Problems ante career lo venaka badda ani oka feeling but work life balance super plus personal life happies.

Wife is making double what I do so kastha manam sampayiddam ane motivation kooda takkuvaindi anduke trying to motivate myself bro

nee lanti USCs ee ala ante malanti visa beggars em anali.

 

[keviinusa]

21 minutes ago, Chay said:

why do you want to get over it?

if u found ur passion u will automatically go for it.. manaki chinnappatninchi rat race lo padesi eamcet rankulu bits pilani lu ani pakkollatho compare sestu penchutaru.. u r procrastinating because u find what u r doing is boring and not ur passion.. 

u r not alone man

 

passion lo paisal lev

boring lo paisal vunnai

paisal vuntey passion ni follow avvochu, paisala kosam boring pani chestunna, paisal jama aithaledu passion follow cheyalekapotunna

 

[Chay]

5 minutes ago, keviinusa said:

passion lo paisal lev

boring lo paisal vunnai

paisal vuntey passion ni follow avvochu, paisala kosam boring pani chestunna, paisal jama aithaledu passion follow cheyalekapotunna

 

then we cant complain kada.. accept that u r doing for money and the side effects will be procrastination, boredom etc.. 

 

[Zindagi247]

3 hours ago, zarathustra said:

 

https://www.mindfulleader.org/meditate-together

It's free try it out. 

Meditate 4 days a week for 15 minutes to begin with. Then do it 7 days a week. 

Use binaural beats if needed for better focus 

I took calm annual subscription last year. Meditation ki help avtundi ane. But its helping me to have a good night sleep everyday. Meeru share chesindi kuda check chestha.

[quickgun_murugun]

4 hours ago, zarathustra said:

Problems ante career lo venaka badda ani oka feeling but work life balance super plus personal life happies.

Wife is making double what I do so kastha manam sampayiddam ane motivation kooda takkuvaindi anduke trying to motivate myself bro

Understood