spouse issues - need help

[imhott]

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?

[JANASENA]

Divorce teesukoni kids custody teeesukomanu. All set

[niladisify]

you should have initially set the expectations, you let it go far too long

Better late than never, atleast try starting now. 

You have to make it clear to your partner that she has to share the responsibility equally or it will not work out between you. Take 1 child responsibility and give one child to her for a week. Next week exchange the kid.

If she doesn't want to do it, you got to escalate it.

[Vaaaampire]

Try couple counseling. If it doesn’t work, divorce

[Gorantlamdhav]

13 minutes ago, imhott said:

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?

Naku em problem kanipiyatle

ame working, cooking

nuvvu working , kids management

oka 5 years manage chey vallu independent ayitaru

already balance vundi be happy 

arrange vacation with friends family once or twice a year so kids play and you relax

[gudboy]

14 minutes ago, imhott said:

Ive been stuggling a lot w/ spouse from sometime and seemingly at a dead end now.

We both work remotely full time and have 2 kids. they go to day care and school.

wife's top priority is her job and career. never cares about my, kids, or home. Only thing she does is cooks fresh food daily, which I truly appreciate btw. Rest all things I have to do, from getting kids ready to day care, their breakfast, dropping and picking from school, classes, feeding them dinner (incl. lunch on weekdays). Even in the class whatsapp group all are mom's of kids, I'm the only dad which is weird. She doesnt want to involve in any of kids things, doesnt know the name of kids day care or teachers, never asks them how their day was etc.

even kids got so used to me that they come to me if they are hungry, sleepy or even potty, even if their mom is next to them. Maybe they realized that she is not gonna help them in anyway. We cannot afford to hire a nanny due to our payscales. None of our family members can fly here due to health issues.

When I bring this topic to her, it always starts with an argument and ends with a fight. she never cares to listen and understand as most women do. I feel so overwhelmed with work, kids, house chores and so suffocated. I'm an introvert and have no good friend circle if I want to go out and spend time with them. I have very few good friends who are in other cities, i talk to them sometimes over call. our chex life is poor too. Given so much work at job, home and kids, I am not able to go out for sports or gym that I used to go few years back. I do 30-min workout at home 4-5 times a week which I enjoy.

these days I'm observing lot of mood swings in me, very happy for sometime and then suddenly very sad/angry for no reason. suddenly become so dull and outburst to tears even though I'm not thinking of anything. I should talk to a therapist maybe. This stress is going to kill me someday. getting lot of suicidal thoughts but then thinking of kids makes me not to take any drastic step. I went to my home in India sometime back, kadupu ninda trupti ga annam akkada tinna . she doesnt want to move to hyd for good also.

any help folks to how to manage myself? adagalante ne adola undi, never thought my life will be so much screwed up. is this normal at most households ?

grow some balls and get a nanny..if she complains about money ask her to work hard and earn more which looks like she is capable of already as she is career oriented...

[Sucker]

Kids meedha ishtam ledhu ante kashtam annai. Usual ga kids ayyaka love motham atu shift ayyi mogudu complaints chesthadu ikkada kids ledhu mogudu ledhu just career ante vaammo kashtame. 

[Android_Halwa]

Lite teesuko vaa….inkoka 3-4 years lagichey…atarvata pilllu they will be on their own for most of the things..they will learn to be on their own.

[imhott]

6 minutes ago, Gorantlamdhav said:

Naku em problem kanipiyatle

ame working, cooking

nuvvu working , kids management

oka 5 years manage chey vallu independent ayitaru

already balance vundi be happy 

arrange vacation with friends family once or twice a year so kids play and you relax

"nuvvu working , kids management"

it becomes hard when I have to take care of each and every aspect of two kids. to add, cooking tanu chesaka, feeding kids, cleaning, clothes laundry, folding, illu vaccuming, car lo kids dropping, pickups, grocery shopping, doc visits, chalane unnay, ila list add cheskuntu pothe almost 90% of things I'm doing at home. it is clearly not balanced IMHO

moreover recent ga DL vachindi after 5 years, car tho konni errands aina help cheyamante no way, naku work meetings unna I have to either take calls while driving or skip the meetings.

[imhott]

4 minutes ago, Android_Halwa said:

Lite teesuko vaa….inkoka 3-4 years lagichey…atarvata pilllu they will be on their own for most of the things..they will learn to be on their own.

ilane unte inko 3-4 years  batike untana ani doubt

[imhott]

Just now, imhott said:

ilane unte inko 3-4 years  batike untana ani doubt

so much pressure

[Sucker]

4 minutes ago, Android_Halwa said:

Lite teesuko vaa….inkoka 3-4 years lagichey…atarvata pilllu they will be on their own for most of the things..they will learn to be on their own.

Chex aina vuntadha dhaniki kuda bathroom poyi kaanichey antava anna. Yenni days ee compromise lu naa love day la society kosam vomerica vachi kuda. 

[Sucker]

1 minute ago, imhott said:

ilane unte inko 3-4 years  batike untana ani doubt

Anna you decided anukunta kadha 

[imhott]

17 minutes ago, niladisify said:

you should have initially set the expectations, you let it go far too long

Better late than never, atleast try starting now. 

You have to make it clear to your partner that she has to share the responsibility equally or it will not work out between you. Take 1 child responsibility and give one child to her for a week. Next week exchange the kid.

If she doesn't want to do it, you got to escalate it.

escalate to whom? had these discussions many times with her family too, no use. their impression is that she is doing all these things and I'm just chilling at home

sometimes nenu work ki vellalsi vaste, she doesnot even feed lunch to kids, papam they will be hungry till I get back home. She says I already cooked lunch, but stove paine unte ela tintaru kids? alteast plate/bowl lo ivvali kada, she doesnt have that common sense

[imhott]

13 minutes ago, Vaaaampire said:

Try couple counseling. If it doesn’t work, divorce

I asked her to come to couples counselling, she is hell bent on avoiding stating. that is not needed we are all good