Stressed- Mid life- NOT Married- No Idea on Life

[JustExhaustedGUY]

Hello Everyone. 

 

I dont  know if this reach anyone. I just want to vent some where about my feelings and what i go through now.

 

I am in mid 30's. Not married,. I work as software professional and looking for new opportunities. I have been in job search from few months, gave few interviews. But no offers were made.

I am very easy minded person, never had any fights and always avoid them. with  my family also i try to avoid and just concentrate on relationships with them.

Like i said i am not married, which i basically prolonged due to financial and self proving mentality. i thought like once i have a stable job i could get married. The main reason for waiting so long is because of my fear if i get married and lost job, how i will keep supporting my family and i am not very much talented in the sense like investing in multiple areas. I just bought some plots in my hometown which are very less value. The Fear that caused me budget my salary and spend every rupee in very low maintenance. it helped me in a way to buy some plots. But this fear i got from childhood at very young age i got to my family financial situation and i have spent accordingly. Even to this day my spending is very limited which helped me in situations like now. where i have no job and surviving on savings.

My parents are already in late 60's. my mom she worked really hard for us. i always think about her and be very much great full for her. I know that they will be here for sometime. they want me to get married and  with current mindset of girls it scares me( i had my real experiences).

Last time i spoke to my mom on life and vision that i had and she broke down immediately(i know i am idiot to spoke on my vision i got). the vision i got was if i was not married, after my parents are gone and all my frnds and family are busy in their life. I will have no one to talk no family for my self(wife, kids) and i will be alone and it scares me a lot while i think about this vision i see.

I am not sure what should i do now, just struggling with all the thoughts every day. endless sleepless nights. i hardly sleep 4 hours

I am trying to upskill my self and i feel that the fire which ignites you to work for your goals is just evaporated in me i believe. In current market with AI is just being developed in a pase where every job i apply is being turnout to be internal shuffling. i am just living in a shell with in myself and doing the same thing on and on. I try to be productive, go out with frnds and do any activities that engage with people. But i now people are judging because of situation i am in. My friends has been avoiding me and not even picking any calls and barely talk few minutes (i know they have life as well ). 

Its just the void that i am unable to express, which is really effecting me and scares me.

I am listening some spiritual videos and i think GOD is just keeping me sane i believe.

I just want to go(not suicide or stupid things) just normal , so my parents can cry once and they can never worry about me

Thank you for seeing.