Father drowned in debt. I keep pulling him out and I am done.

[Saloly]

1 hour ago, Kakynada said:

communication is the key. in softer way that they can understand. 

You need a plan - Sit with him, and talk casually - Plan consists of 2 things

1. His Debt - How much, what are the ways to clear, how can we put a stop to this debt forever. 

2. Your commitments - family, kids, their future, your investments, kids schooling - etc etc 

You can let him know very casually the above, and let him know we have a plan and we wil work it out. 

All you have to do is make him understand that he has a problem and you can fix although you have your own commitments, you can still help him to fix the problem only if if he cooperates. 

ok

[sarvayogi]

simple..tell I can only pay X amount a month..rest I am not bothered

for irresponsible parents sake you cant spoil future of your wife and kid..

nuvvu enta ginjukunna they will pass away in few years and thats a fact

Earlier generation affordability unda leda telvakunda kids ki kanesaru...so you put some full stop to it at some point..

[shaktimaan]

You father is exploiting(you may not agree or like this) you. He knows you are weak and can fall back on you every time.

My father was like that too, a degen gambler and kalaposhakudu. I stopped helping him sometime ago and age caught up to him and he stopped everything now. 

Don’t be emotional and sentimental in this matter and be practical. Stand your ground and stop helping him.

[iddaritho]

Clear debt and pay them 500 / month to support and ask them not to work , if they work and are in debt it’s their responsibility

do this in front of peddamanushulu ( your family or friends who you trust ) 

I also noticed change in my parents lately , they feel I am getting close to my wife and constantly comment , I told them my wife and kids are our family and they are my responsibility as much as you guys are ,  I am old enough to know what is good and bad. ( Indian parents try to control every aspect of life which unfortunately is difficult ). First few weeks sad ga unnaru , later settle ayyaru , mom ke diamonds ear rings Konna and she was happy when leaving

[Pandubabu]

30 minutes ago, sarvayogi said:

simple..tell I can only pay X amount a month..rest I am not bothered

for irresponsible parents sake you cant spoil future of your wife and kid..

nuvvu enta ginjukunna they will pass away in few years and thats a fact

Earlier generation affordability unda leda telvakunda kids ki kanesaru...so you put some full stop to it at some point..

Anna,  he earns enough money more than a lakh per month. Even with all luxuries,  he can live a happy life.  The issue is with debts in high amounts that he is making. 

[SaradaChinnodu]

@Pandubabu bro...seen it done it and in repeat mode ...

First n foremost, chala mandi cheppinatlu friends side nunchi manage cheyatam, bad habits tagginchatam ivi anni neeku stress ni penche panule tappa....neekey deep down already telisi untadhi that he doesn't really change or mend his ways at this age ani.....nuvu thala kindaluka tapassu chesina you can't change him...

Second of all, most important thing is that you need to stop doing what you are doing because you are not helping him out but enabling him. ee Janma lo neeku full debt telisey avakasam ledu....so entha kastamaina if you dont stop supporting and let them face the consequences, you will end up sandwich between you parents and wife..(ipudu u dont have issues but its just a matter of time)

Hard step is the key bro....hope you dont become photo in a frame because eventually the stress will takes it toll and no one really cares including ur parents as long as they feel entitled.

P.S. Mana desi kids ki unna daridramiana feelings enti ante we can't see our parents face hard times as we have seen the sacrifices they did for our upbringing but somewhere this has to stop and it won't until you make it stop.

 

Hope, you feel better and things work out for you.

 

 

[Sanjiv]

12 hours ago, Pandubabu said:

Anna,  he earns enough money more than a lakh per month. Even with all luxuries,  he can live a happy life.  The issue is with debts in high amounts that he is making. 

Addictions don't go away - they relapse.

People with addictions are liabilities. They distress everyone around them forever. One BAD APPLE will ruin the entire family.

E.g. People with eating disorder don't give a sh!t about themselves how big, fat and UGLY they are becoming with health issues they cannot even walk a block and nothing to offer, high-risk and high-cost insurance premiums (they are very likely to get denied of insurance down the road). There is no excuse to be a pig but they don't give a sh!t about themselves and don't give a sh!t about ANYBODY.

Drinking, gambling, betting, hookers - don't even ask.

Mettha ni vaanni chuste mottha buddi avutundi. You should be selfish about your own family. Since you already said you are "done", just draw a line and put your foot down. Learn how to say "No". There is nothing more to it.

Obviously, he has more debt than he is willing to disclose comfortably.

[Pandubabu]

1 minute ago, Sanjiv said:

Addictions don't go away - they relapse.

People with addictions are liabilities. They distress everyone around them forever.

E.g. People with eating disorder don't give a sh!t about themselves how big, fat and UGLY they are becoming with health issues they cannot even walk a block, high-risk and high-cost insurance premiums (they are very likely to get denied of insurance down the road). There is no excuse to be a pig but they don't give a sh!t about ANYBODY.

Drinking, gambling, betting, hookers - don't even ask.

Mettha ni vaanni chuste mottha buddi avutundi. You should be selfish about your own family. Since you already said you are "done", just draw a line and put your foot down. Learn how to say "No". There is nothing more to it.

Obviously, he has more debt than he is willing to disclose comfortably.

Not disclosing the debt is what making me passed off. Sometimes I feel like why the fack i sent so much money ani.. just can't see parents facing embarrassment..

[Sanjiv]

25 minutes ago, Pandubabu said:

Not disclosing the debt is what making me passed off. Sometimes I feel like why the fack i sent so much money ani.. just can't see parents facing embarrassment..

How to say "No"? Mohamatam.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mohamatam

 

Saying no can be challenging at times, but it's an essential skill for setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. Here are some tips on how to say no effectively:

1. Be clear and concise: When saying no, it's important to be straightforward and avoid ambiguity. Clearly state your decision without leaving room for misinterpretation.

2. Be polite and respectful: While saying no, maintain a polite and respectful tone. You don't have to be rude or apologetic, but expressing your decision with kindness can help maintain good relationships.

3. Offer a brief explanation (optional): If you feel comfortable, you can provide a brief explanation for your decision. However, keep it concise and avoid over-explaining, as it may give others an opportunity to negotiate or persuade you to change your mind.

4. Use "I" statements: Frame your response using "I" statements to convey that your decision is based on your own needs, preferences, or limitations. This approach reduces the chance of the other person feeling personally attacked or rejected.

5. Offer alternatives (if applicable): If you're unable to fulfill a request, consider offering alternative solutions or suggesting someone else who might be able to help. This shows that you value the person's request and are willing to assist in a different capacity.

6. Practice assertiveness: Assertiveness is key when saying no. Stand firm in your decision and avoid being swayed by guilt or pressure. Maintain a confident and assertive posture, both verbally and non-verbally.

7. Be prepared for resistance: Some people may not take no for an answer easily. Be prepared for potential resistance or attempts to change your mind. Remember, you have the right to say no, and it's essential to stick to your decision.

8. Practice saying no: Like any skill, saying no becomes easier with practice. Role-play different scenarios or practice saying no assertively in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. The more you practice, the more comfortable you'll become.

Remember, it's normal to feel a bit uncomfortable or guilty when saying no, especially if you're used to accommodating others. However, setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being is essential for maintaining a healthy balance in your life.

[Sanjiv]

How to Overcome Shyness? | Personality Development | Yandamoori Veerendranath

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9OX-cdJ9-g

 

[Sanjiv]

.

[chintumintu1]

Eesari adigithe monne illu konna. Baga urgent iethe bank lo house security ga petti loan tesi esta ani chepu. 
 

[Gorantlamdhav]

5 hours ago, Pandubabu said:

I keep pulling him out of debt and he takes new debt. He earns more than a lakh per month. Absolutely zero commercial properties on his name. 10 lakhs worth agricultural properties from ancestors . He goes with some business and utterly fails.  I pulled him out atleast thrice so far with around 20-25  lakhs.

I told him not to involve in anything else  but does it anyway behind my back. He comes back when someone sits on his throat for repayment.

Now that I am married with kids , it is very difficult to keep sending these huge amounts both financially and relationship with wife wise..

My savings are under 50k and most of the savings are after my wife started working recently.  It is unfair to her to keep sending the money to India.

When asked him about how much he owes in total so that I can do final settlement ,  he does not respond with number and he just asks how much I can give him. 

I love my dad. He loves me so much . He loves me more than anyone else in this world, but this is becoming very difficult to handle.

Just venting..

Find his sources and ask them why did they give? Also tell them to send you proof that they gave him. Also tell them that you will not pay any interest only capital only if they have proof and give in writing that they will never loan him again. Cut all his sources is the only way to stop

[tom brady]

Same ramayanam but wife side

[hydusguy]

8 hours ago, Pandubabu said:

I keep pulling him out of debt and he takes new debt. He earns more than a lakh per month. Absolutely zero commercial properties on his name. 10 lakhs worth agricultural properties from ancestors . He goes with some business and utterly fails.  I pulled him out atleast thrice so far with around 20-25  lakhs.

I told him not to involve in anything else  but does it anyway behind my back. He comes back when someone sits on his throat for repayment.

Now that I am married with kids , it is very difficult to keep sending these huge amounts both financially and relationship with wife wise..

My savings are under 50k and most of the savings are after my wife started working recently.  It is unfair to her to keep sending the money to India.

When asked him about how much he owes in total so that I can do final settlement ,  he does not respond with number and he just asks how much I can give him. 

I love my dad. He loves me so much . He loves me more than anyone else in this world, but this is becoming very difficult to handle.

Just venting..

i had same issuew.. sometines it went 50lks... just recently last yr.. i am hoping he stoppd it..

its just they are abusing father son relation