ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center][b]Back from Work: 6 weeks : Honey, I'm home. 6 months : BACK!! 6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center] [b]Gifts: 6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring. 6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room. 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something nonsense.[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center] [b]Phone Ringing: 6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone. 6 months : Here, for you. 6 years : DONT U HEAR THE PHONE RINGING.[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center][b]Cooking: 6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good! 6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight? 6 years : SAME DISH AGAIN!!!![/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center] [b]Apology: 6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center] [b]Planning for Vacations: 6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in VIENNA or SWITZ or anywhere you please sound?? 6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [center] [b]TV: 6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight? 6 months : I like this movie. 6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself[/b][/center]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Marital Counseling A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [color="Red"][size="6"]Stumpy and His Wife[/size][/color] [color="DarkSlateBlue"][size="5"]Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."[/size][/color]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [size=5][font=Comic Sans MS][color=Green]A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.[/color] [color=Purple]Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"[/color] [color=DarkRed]Boy: "9".[/color] [color=purple]Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: "36".[/color] [color=Green]And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.[/color] [color=Blue]Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?[/color] [color=DarkRed]Boy., after a moment "Legs."[/color] [color=Blue]Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: "Pockets."[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Coconut[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Bubblegum[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Shake hands[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Yep.[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Tent[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Wedding Ring[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Nose[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Arrow[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Fire truck[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.[/color] [color=darkred]Boy: Fork[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?[/color] [color=DarkRed]Boy: SURNAME[/color] [color=blue]Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?[/color] [color=DarkRed]Boy: HEART.[/color] [color=Sienna]The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,[/color] "[color=Red]Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY.....[/color] [color=Magenta]EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTIONS WRONG MYSELF[/color]"[/font][/size]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [color="Red"][size="6"]A man has six children...[/size][/color] [color="Blue"][size="4"]A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"[/size][/color]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."[/b]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."[/b]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]HUSBAND'S AFFAIR[/b] A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.' The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.' Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!' The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 'The airbag.'
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]As Mahatma Gandhi stepped aboard a train one day, one of his shoes slipped off and landed on the track. He was unable to retrieve it as the train was moving. To the amazement of his companions, Gandhi calmly took off his other shoe and threw it back along the track to land close to the first. Asked by a fellow passenger why he did so, Gandhi smiled. "The poor man who finds the shoes lying on the track," he replied, "will now have a pair he can use."[/b]
Recommended Posts