ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Santa: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Jeeto: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Santa: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Jeeto: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 "Tell me Doctor," asked Santa, "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet? "That's because your feet aren't empty," replied the Doctor.
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean.
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 "Mr Banta, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife Rs 10,000 a month." "That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," Banta said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly. [b]The male students wrote[/b]: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." [b]The female students wrote[/b]: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor. Banta: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous. Preeto: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor. Banta: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? Preeto: In the pool.
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape. The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!" The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!" The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys, there is no fence," So instead they just went back to their rooms.
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Santa: "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much." Nurse: "What word was that?" Santa: "Oops!"
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27 She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma has its pause at the end of a clause
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife"
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 Q: Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license? A: Because it had expired
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
ManOnFire Posted August 12, 2012 Author Report Posted August 12, 2012 A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
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