ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [size=6][color=Red]It's Not For Him, Stupid[/color] An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."[/size]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage". Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? " Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .. She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"." Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [size=6][color=Red]The President's Puzzle[/color][/size] [size=5][color=Red]**** Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"[/color][/size]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [size=6]The CIA had an opening for an assassin.[/size] [size=5]The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife," The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."[/size]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [size=6][b]T[/b][b]his letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we encountered some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.[/b][/size] [size=5]1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is. 2. We are not able to enter anything after we click the 'shut down 'button. 3. There's a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this. 4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting. 5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home. 6. There is 'Find' button but it is not functioning the right way. My wife lostthe door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',but not able to trace. Is it a bug?? 7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' fromCAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to protect from the cat. 8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are you coming to my home tocollect ur money. 9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoftsentence', so when u will provide that? 10. Hey, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', where is remaining ? 11. And in 'MY Pictures' there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that. Regards, Banta Sing.[/size]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..." ...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little s**t - what are you doing for the next generation?"
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Frederick II, the eighteenth-century King of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them. Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused. 'You,' he called. 'You there.' The prisoner looked up. 'Yes, Your Majesty?' 'Why are you here?' 'Armed robbery, Your Majesty.' 'And are you guilty?' 'Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.' At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, 'Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it.'
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [color="Red"]One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."[/color]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Once it so happened in a flight that, James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy.. Both were traveling to US. Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?" James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond." James Bond: "and you?" Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai ...Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.." James Bond FAINTS.
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."[/b]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Actual call centre conversations !!!!! Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'. Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'. Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm , sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'. Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?' Operator:&nbsap; ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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