ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 >>A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon." > >A student asked, "What gender is ’computer’?" > >Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. > >The men’s group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: > >1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic; >2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; >3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and >4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. > >(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) > >The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because: > >1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; >2. they have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; >3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and >4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. > >The women won!
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 The secretary changing the toner accidentally drops a pen into the office laser printer and can not retrieve it. She then makes up a sign to warn people of this problem. The sign reads: Please Don’t Use [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] STUCK in Printer OOPS... The PEN and IS is a little too close together... Not Good, but a hell of a laugh for the users walking up to read the out of order sign!
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Mistaken Identity A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that".
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Man Overboard An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise." The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] Fraud Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Attracting Women A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 The Perfect Mate At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Surrogate Father The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the ***** father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too ....you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?? "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Devil in Church One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 FACTS TO PONDER : (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. ( Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. Now think about this: Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..) ( The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (Calculation) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188 [Statistics courtesy of FBI] So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Just Like My Mom Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Removing a Curse An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 50 Year Sentence 50 Year Sentence Date of Joke: Thursday, 19th April, 2001 A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
Idly Vishwanatham Posted July 24, 2012 Report Posted July 24, 2012 [quote name='ManOnFire' timestamp='1342866843' post='1302174157'] **A man came home late at night after a party. His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?" The man couldn't believe his luck: 'that would be great'! Monday passed and he didn't see her...... Tuesday and Wednesday passed too..... On Thursday his swelling became better And now he could see her from the corner of one eye. [/quote] Hahahaha..
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 No Warning With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." "Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
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