ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Off to Vegas A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Going to the Dentist One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth? "$160," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 New Mercedes Owner A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 The Honeymoon A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 The Toastmaster Club A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [size="6"][color="Red"]CAB DRIVER[/color][/size] [color="Blue"][size="4"]A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."[/size][/color]
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] Therapy - Florida Style A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] therapist to watch again. The [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/censored.gif[/img] therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm , but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Strangers on a Train A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer. I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don''t know."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 The Gaurdian Angel A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [color="black"][size="4"][color="Blue"]A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don''t know."[/color][/size][/color]
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don''t know."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 A young blond, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "S*x Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very, very sexy nightie... or better still, Nothing At All!!! 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Why men wear earrings?[/b] A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 Sometimes when u CRY, Nobody see ur TEARS. When u'r WORRIED, Nobody see ur PAIN. When u'r HAPPY, Nobody see ur SMILE. But Saaaaala, Ek ladki ke saath ghumo, Toh saari duniya dekhti hain!!!
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