ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that, I can not find anybody what they want out of life.
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Unmarried pregnant girl [/b] A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [color="Red"][b]Career Song[/b][/color] Career Song - The 8 stages 1. When in college : Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din..... ********* 2. When giving interview to Multi National Company: Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn.... ********* 3. Waiting for interview result: Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. Aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki ... ********* 4. Just joined: Too cheez badi hai mast mast..... ********* 5. After some time: Ye kahaan AA gaye hum?? ********* 6. After some more time: Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo) ********* 7. Floating the resume : kabootar ja ja ja... Kabootar ja ja ja... Pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi... ********* 8. Finally when you don't get a better offer any longer : Jeena Yehaan, marna Yehaan iske siwa Jaana Kahaa ..!!! *********
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b][color="Red"]How to recruit the right person for the right Job???? [/color][/b] Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. . . . If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least . . . . if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in [b]top management[/b].[img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes2.gif[/img]
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b][color="Red"]Salesman[/color][/b] A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does notremove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/yucky.gif[/img]." The old lady stepped back and said, [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/blink.gif[/img] "Well I hope you've got a [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/jump.gif[/img]good appetite [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/jump.gif[/img] because they cut off my electricity this morning."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."[img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/faint.gif[/img]
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]An artful doctor [/b] An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "Give me the good news first," the artist demanded. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor. [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img]"
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Stepping on a duck[/b] There were three women that died on the same day, and all went to Heaven. When they arrived at the gates, St. Peter came to them and said "We only have one rule here in Heaven and that is to not step on the ducks." They all agreed and, sure enough when they walked into Heaven, there were ducks all around. A little while later, the first woman accidentally stepped on a duck. St. Peter came to her with the most hideous looking man she had ever seen and chained them together. He said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chained to this ugly man for all eternity." Two months later, the second woman accidentally stepped on a duck, and St. Peter came to her with another hideous looking man. Once again, he said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to be chained to this ugly man for all eternity." The third woman, who had been observing this, did not want to be chained to an ugly man, and she managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Finally, St. Peter came to her with the most gorgeous man she had ever seen. He was tall, thin, had a six pack, and had long eyelashes. St. Peter chained them together without a word. A little while later, she looked up to this gorgeous man and said, "I wonder what I did to deserve a handsome man like you." He replied," I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Newton...the science students will understand it much better [/b] Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek Unfortunately Einsteinis the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... .. Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ... Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein. Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... . Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....." Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......" All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton. Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared..... . Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......! ,_
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]How to make a Flirt Program in C++ ( Computer Humor ) [/b] #include<STD ISD PCO.h> #include <mobile.h> #include<sms.h> #include<love.h> #define Cute beautiful_lady main() { Goto college; Scanf("100%" ,&ladies); If(lady ==Cute) Line++; While( !reply ) { printf("I Love U"); scanf("100%" ,&reply); } if(reply == "GAALI") main(); /* go back and repeat the process */ else if(reply == "SANDAL ") exit(1); else if(reply == "I Love U") { Lover =Cute ; Love = (heart*)malloc( sizeof(lover) ); } goto restaurant; restaurant: { Food++; Smile++; Pay->money = lover->money; return(college) ; } If(time==2.30) goto cinema; cinema: { Watch++; if(intermission) { Coke++; Popecorn++; }
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Seminar joke[/b] Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received. About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!" Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
ManOnFire Posted July 24, 2012 Author Report Posted July 24, 2012 [b]Height of Globalizabtion...... [/b] Well, here is probably the best example of globalization: Princess Diana's death [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/yikes2.gif[/img] . . . . How [img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/questionmark.gif[/img] [b]ANSWER:[/b] An [b]English[/b] Princess with an [b]Egyptian[/b] boyfriend crashes in a [b]French[/b] tunnel, driving a [b]German[/b] car with a [b]Dutch[/b] engine, driven by a [b]Belgian[/b] who was high on[b]Scottish[/b] whiskey, followed closely by [b]Italian[/b] Paparazzi, on [b]Japanese[/b] motorcycles, treated by an [b]American[/b] doctor, using [b]Brazilian [/b]medicines! And this is being posted by an [b]Asian Indian[/b], using the [b]American[/b] billionaire Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the [b]Japanese[/b]. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use [b]Philippine[/b]-made chips, and [b]Korean [/b]made monitors, assembled by [b]Bangladeshi[/b] workers in a [b]Singapore[/b]plant, transported by lorries driven by [b]Pakis[/b], hijacked by [b]Indonesians[/b] and finally sold to you by a [b]Chinese[/b]! [b][size="4"]Now, that's Globalization.....[/size][/b][img]http://www.telugutorrents.net/forum/images/smilies/drunk.gif[/img]
ManOnFire Posted July 25, 2012 Author Report Posted July 25, 2012 [b]Lawyers Dilemma!!! [/b] Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer... In a trial in a southern small town,the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly nice woman. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Oh Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you b*****s asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt".[url="http://imageshack.us/"][img]http://img47.imageshack.us/img47/7428/jokpo4.gif[/img][/url][url="http://imageshack.us/"][img]http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/3529/hilarioussp6.gif[/img][/url]
ManOnFire Posted July 25, 2012 Author Report Posted July 25, 2012 [b]Sharad Pawar, Deepika, Dhoni and Yuvi [/b] Sharad Pawar is in dressing room when Deepika Padukone comes there Sharad: Ohho, Deepika Ji, aiye aiye Lejiye aapka dhoni taiyaar hai Deepika: Ye nahin wo( pointin towards yuvi) Sharad: Lekin aap to har baar wo wickt keeper wala.... Deepika: Leti thi... Par jab 6 baal pey 6 chakkey milein to koi ye kyun ley, wo na ley Sharad : Maan gaye... Deepika: Kisey? Sharad: Aapki parkhi nazar aur super sixer, Dono Ko.......
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