Jokes

[ManOnFire]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man
answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?" Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
f**in' number!" And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an as* ho**!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'as* ho**!" ' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an as* ho**!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'as* ho**!"
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're as* ho**!" !"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first as* ho**!" (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW
as* ho**!" too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,
and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an as* ho**!" !" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came
up with an idea. I called as* ho**!"

"Hello."
"You're an as* ho**!" !" I said, but I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"as* ho**!" , I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you'd better start
saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
as* ho**!" ," and hung up.

Then I called as* ho**!" #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, as* ho**!" ," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick you're as* ho**!" ," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, as* ho**!" , here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[ManOnFire]

UN was finalising the list of carbon emission targets for all
countries to follow in next 50 years.

On seeing the list Parvez Musharraf got angry as Pakistan's targets
were 100 times higher than India so he immediayely phoned the UN chief
& asked for the explanation why in spite of India's more industrial
progress-it has less & Pak. has more targets for Carbon emission
control.

UN chief: Whatever progress India does, we see the proportionate mamaa_mass
coming out of Pakistan.

(With love to neighbours)

[ManOnFire]

[color="Magenta"][b]Husband Selling Store [/b][/color]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store [color="DarkOrange"][size="4"][b]ONLY ONCE![/b][/size][/color]


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads;


[color="SeaGreen"][b]Floor 1 - [/b][/color]These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:

[color="seagreen"][b]Floor 2 -[/b][/color] These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

*********
The third floor sign reads:

[color="seagreen"][b]Floor 3 -[/b][/color] These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


[b][color="DarkOrange"]" Wow,"[/color] [/b]she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

[color="SeaGreen"][b]Floor 4 -[/b][/color] These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


[color="seagreen"][b]Floor 5 -[/b][/color] These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*********

[color="seagreen"][b]Floor 6 -[/b][/color] You are visitor [b]4,363,012[/b] to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[ManOnFire]

[b][b]Letter to a Dad..from daughter... [/b]

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it..

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:

Dad, none of the above is[/b]

[ManOnFire]

Once Nehruji visited a mental hospital to distribute fruits & sweets on his birthday. He was srounded by all the mentals except one . Nehru was in ego. He thought " Let me go & meet him personally." He went & said " Hello Iam Nehru, PM of India, 2day is my b'day, Have some sweets". This chap ran and peeped in to all the corridors & nearby rooms & found nobody,then he came 2 Nehru & said " Don't tell this again, bcoz I used to tell same thing to pople of my locality, see today I am impriosned here. Yours fate will be the same."

[ManOnFire]

2 Blondes Walk Into A Building..... Wouldn't You Think At Least One Of Them Would Have Seen It??

[ManOnFire]

What a large crowd
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

[ManOnFire]

Flying in the plane
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[ManOnFire]

Finding perfect men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

[ManOnFire]

Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

[ManOnFire]

Wife was mad at me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

[ManOnFire]

Getting revenge with marriage
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

[ManOnFire]

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

[ManOnFire]

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

[ManOnFire]

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??

A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!