ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 Living in 2008 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends.
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]Leave Applications [/b] These are some of the application and leave letters written by various personnel. English, as they say, is really a funny language! [list=1] [*]An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave"... [*]Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave" [*]A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school i am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today" [/list] And finally, this one is not a leave application, but an application for a job: A candidate's application: "This has reference to your ad calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [font="Comic Sans MS"][color="Royal"]Telephone Network **** American scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the Japanese government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they round small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Japanese 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net. Filipino scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Filipinos 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.[/color][/font]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b][size="4"][color="Navy"]A Gasoline Substitute!!![/color][/size][/b] A man was driving on a remote hill and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of gas," the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. Aftera a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank." . . . . . . . . . . [img]http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/7416/thegasbeegz8.gif[/img] [b][size="4"][color="Blue"]The Bee answered..."BP"[/color][/size][/b]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b][color="Red"]Chastity Belt[/color][/b] A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!"
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b][color="Navy"][size="4"]Your wife's rating to your Actions [/size][/color][/b] How to take care of your wife: In the world, one single rule applies to all men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. , that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]SIMPLE DUTIES[/b][list] [*]You make the bed (+1) [*]You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) [*]You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) [*]You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) [*]In the rain (+8) [*]But return with Beer (-5) [*]You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) [*]You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) [*]You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) [*]You pummel it with iron rod (+10) [*]It's her pet (-10) [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS[/b][list] [*]You stay by her side the entire party (0) [*]You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) [*]Named Tina (-4) [*]Tina is a dancer (-10) [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]HER BIRTHDAY[/b][list] [*]You take her out to dinner (0) [*]You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) [*]Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) [*]And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) [*]It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) [*] [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]A NIGHT OUT[/b][list] [*]You take her to a movie (+2) [*]You take her to a movie she likes (+4) [*]You take her to a movie you hate (+6) [*]You take her to a movie you like (-2) [*]It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) [*]You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) [*] [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]YOUR PHYSIQUE[/b][list] [*]You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) [*]You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) [*]You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) [*]You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) [*] [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION[/b][list] [*]She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT] [*]You hesitate in responding (-10) [*]You reply, "Where?" (-35) [*]Any other response (-20) [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b]COMMUNICATION[/b][list] [*]When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0) [*]You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) [*]You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) [*]She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000) [/list]
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b][size="4"][color="Navy"]Types Of Women [/color][/size][/b] [b]HARD-DISK Woman: [/b] She remembers everything, FOREVER. [b]RAM Woman: [/b] She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. [b]WINDOWS Woman: [/b] Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. [b]EXCEL Woman: [/b] They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. [b]SCREENSAVER Woman: [/b] She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! [b]INTERNET Woman: [/b] Difficult to access. [b]SERVER Woman: [/b] Always busy when you need her. [b]MULTIMEDIA Woman: [/b] She makes horrible things look beautiful. [b]CD-ROM Woman: [/b] She is always faster and faster. [b]E-MAIL Woman: [/b] Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. [b]VIRUS Woman: [/b] When you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. Also known as... you know. I don't have to tell that.
ManOnFire Posted July 23, 2012 Author Report Posted July 23, 2012 [b][size="4"][color="Navy"]Why the US is in Crisis !!![/color][/size][/b] An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor says, 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
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