Jokes

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : You're kidding me, right!?

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : She had three children, is that correct?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS : Guess.

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that question?

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a blood sample?
WITNESS : Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS : Oral.

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

[ManOnFire]

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

[ManOnFire]

--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.

[ManOnFire]

ORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted,died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:




"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

[ManOnFire]

One of the rediff comment after the attack on srilankan players:

Now China will extend it's support to Pakistan by sending their cricket team. Chinese cricketers will go to the stadiums in battle tanks instead of buses. Mao Lao Khao will be leading the team from China. Every ball Umar Gul will bowl will be a bouncer as the Chinese are very short. Every bowler in the guest team will be a left arm chinaman. Burqa clad women will be the cheer leaders. If rain disrupts the match the result will be reached by Sharia law (no duckworth lewis method as that is unislamic). The trophy for which both the teams will be playing will be called Chowmein trophy instead of Champions Trophy.

Chances are there that Bangladesh and Afghanistan will participate. Istead of medals 1 kilo of beef will be given to the members of the winning team and the man of the match will get an AK 47. The man of the series will get one way ticket to SWAT for vacation. Bangladeshi players will revolt for better pay and in the process kill their captain and vice captain in the net practice. Afghan cricketers being poorest will accept whatever they get thats is leftover bats and pads of the dead Bangladeshi players.

Source: Rediff Discussion Board

[ManOnFire]

[b]Simply Awesome (Must Read!!!!!!)

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Vanita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vanita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vanita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vanita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Vanita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.[/b]

[ManOnFire]

Mark came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.


He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Mark, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm The Devil'.

Mark was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

The Devil replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Mark was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

It's not so bad' replies Mark, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.

You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.

'Never' replies Mark

'Well just relax and let it happen'

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!



The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

Mark, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.