Jokes

[ManOnFire]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: " Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you
?"

The husband laughs and says: " An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:

"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine
months to see if it is a girl!!!"

[ManOnFire]

Two robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the police were getting hot on their
trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their life
of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite understand
winter.

They were arrested the morning after their first break-in. The police just
followed their footsteps in the snow from the store to their house...

[ManOnFire]

[color="Blue"][font="Comic Sans MS"]A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the $hite out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.[/font][/color]

[ManOnFire]

Conversation between a software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

[ManOnFire]

[color="Red"]For Men[/color]:

[color="DarkRed"]Rule.No.1 [/color]- [color="SeaGreen"]Never compare your mamma's cooking with
your wife's! There is no faster way to dig your own
grave than that! Please understand that your
mom's cooking has the backing of 20 odd years of
experience....don't expect that from your wife whose
hardly into the process! What if she were to compare
your earning capacity with her dad's!!! So
shshshhhhh....!!![/color]

[ManOnFire]

[color="DarkRed"]Rule.No.2[/color]: [color="Green"]Never go out of your way to please the lady
with flowers, chocolates and gifts during your
engagement period. If ever you do, please follow it up
post-wedding too! When you could cover 20kms in 15
minutes when you are engaged just to spend some time
with her, how dare you forget her birthday post -
marriage, even after you are given the broadest of
hints by her! Remember expectations always double...
ever heard of them being halved ???[/color]

[ManOnFire]

[color="DarkRed"]Rule.No.3[/color]: [color="Green"]Do compliment her every now and then,
verbally or with gifts! What are those lovely Teddies
and Archies gift cards for? Don't sit there like the
Lord Of The Rings expecting to be waited upon! Of
course she will do it but everyone likes to be
appreciated and pampered!!!![/color]

[ManOnFire]

[color="DarkRed"]Rule.No.4[/color]: [color="Teal"]This is very important! Sulking or
complaining about marriage being a big mistake is a
strict NO-NO !! You got into it with your eyes wide
open, brimming with enthusiasm !! No one ever pushed
you into it! So why this drama now![/color]

[ManOnFire]

[color="DarkRed"]Rule.No.5[/color]: [color="Green"]Be Brave and take your own decisions and
stand up by them!! Consult your parents for advice but
realize that you are grown up enough to lead your
life! Respect your partner's views at all times!
Remember she has given up a lot more to make a life[/color]
with you!!

[ManOnFire]

[color="Red"]For Women[/color]

[ManOnFire]

1. Don't expect too much from him. Less the
expectations lesser the disappointments.

[ManOnFire]

2. Don't ever dare to plan any outing or movie on a
day when there is an interesting match going on.
REMEMBER SPORTS is more important to him than
anything else. U spoil his day n He spoils your
life...!

[ManOnFire]

3. Over Emotions, Sentiments... Woha... What are
these? Tears are not going to give any results either.
It's just a temp. attention tht u get. No one likes
Cry Babies m Whining Wifes.

[ManOnFire]

4. Never dare to cross with his mother. Even if he
says "My Mom's cooking is the best. U are nothing in
front of her." take it easily with a smile. Tell him
tht u are learning from his mother and will try to do
it better. U are not gonna lose anything!

[ManOnFire]

6. Don't start fighting for silly things. Forgetting
birthdays and Anniversaries is not a big mistake. Men
are not blessed with infinite and non-volatile RAM for
storing everything in main memory. If you are very
particular about present gifts n parties on u r
birthdays n anniversaries, make sure u remind them
well in advance by some means (I know it sounds
stupid. But if u are so particular, Do it for u r own
good)