Jokes

[ManOnFire]

Q: Why is the Dalmatian always found when playing hide and go seek?
A: Because his is spotted!

[ManOnFire]

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were
travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of
them died!

Yamraja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of
them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public
positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before
a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived
notions.

� Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English
test.

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA "

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus
forced to fail with false intent.


� Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance
assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal
platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr .... ."

Tough one. He fails again.


Laloo is extremely unhappy.


� Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history


Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ? ". He replied "1947" and
passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000
or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now...

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Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died
in the struggle.

Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.


NOW, The Moral of the story:

IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE ! ! ! !

[ManOnFire]

[b][i][u][i]A REAL PSYCHOLOGY TEST[/i][/u][/i][/b]




This is a genuine psychological test.

It is a story about a girl.

Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know.

She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there but never asked for his number and then...

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.












































































































*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

(If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my visitors list...)

[ManOnFire]

Circle Of Flies
A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[ManOnFire]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

[ManOnFire]

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!

[ManOnFire]

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPILS: A teacher.

[ManOnFire]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[ManOnFire]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[ManOnFire]

Currency Flucktuations!!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!

[ManOnFire]

This has been circulating on the internet in this country for the past
few days. Social commentators have taken hold of it. It may or may not
have been made up but it could be deemed interesting. A gold digging
New Yorker girl supposedly posted this on a 'mate' wanted site and she
got a response from a young banker. Supposedly.
---------------------------------------


Quote:
Originally Posted by It's Time View Post
Unreal! She has balls but the guy who responded to her gets a high five
from me. This appeared on Craigslist.



What am I doing wrong?


Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from
New
York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a
million a
year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year
is
middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at
all..

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?

Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes
average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't
get me
to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was
married to an
investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I
am, nor
is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to
her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt
my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper
east side
so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to
offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls
in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang
out? Where
do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE
ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way..
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I
wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to
match them -
in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your
predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and
simple
a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S.,
what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and
I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will
fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very
likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you
won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an
earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay
pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good
business
senseto "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.
In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money
were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out..
It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not
marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly
beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout..

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and
then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
please, let me know.

[ManOnFire]

A Student writes the below lines before answering the question paper

" All the answers written here r imazinary n work of pure ficition.
Any resemblance with the book is purely unintensional n purely coincidental."

[ManOnFire]

Leave Applications


· Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:



"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave."


· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was
performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:



"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."





· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."





· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."





· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"





· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."





· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request
you to leave me today"





· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."





· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."





· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."





· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home
I may be granted leave".





· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."





· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several
years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the
post.

[ManOnFire]

E[b][u]xcuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work[/u][/b]

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot

[ManOnFire]

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.

Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."