Jokes

[ManOnFire]

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

[ManOnFire]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going
back to read it again!)

[ManOnFire]

Lalwa met a newly wed friend and asked,
"What is the name of your wife?

Dadwa said, "Google Kaur".

Lalwa said, "Amazing, I never heard such a name for an Indian woman. She
must be rich and brilliant"

Dadwa said, "Oh no, well, when I ask her one question she responses with
ten different answers and I even forget what was the question that I asked."

[ManOnFire]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[ManOnFire]

Security threat levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[ManOnFire]

funny definitions
Laziness: asking lift for morning walk
Craziness: get blank paper xeroxed
Honesty: Pregnant lady asking two tickets
Dehydration: cow giving milk powder
over confidence: 99 year old woman purchasing lifetime simcard

[ManOnFire]

SPAGHETTI !!!!!

For several years, a man in New York City had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti!!!!
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!!!!!!!!

[ManOnFire]

abbai - enti babai ala soosthunnav

babai - em ledhuraa... indhakati nundi soosthunna...dhaniki Hole ledhu aina water vosthundhi..ekkada nundi vosthundhaa? ani soosthunna

abbai - dheni nundi babai

babai - aa Ice mukka nundi

abbai - nuvvu maravavu babai

[ManOnFire]

Grandma in court
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.'

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

'If either of you rascal asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

[ManOnFire]

[u]The Hotel Bill[/u]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Broadway & Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied..

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[ManOnFire]

[u]The Hotel Bill[/u]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Broadway & Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied..

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[ManOnFire]

oka kurrodu chanipoyi para lokaniki potadu
appudu devudu prathyakshamai ilaa adugutadu...

devudu:-nayana neeku swarga pravesam kavala,naraka pravesam kavala...
kurrodu:-swami oka sari rendu lokamulanu choostanu,tarvata nirnayam chebutanu....
devudu:-sare nayana,nee ishtam...

athanu mundu swarga lokani potadu.akkada antha nirmalanga,prasanthamuga untundi.
tarvata narakamu loki potadu.akkada adugupettangane rambha oka musalivadi daggara natyam cheyyatam choostadu.
ventane tana nirnayam devuduki cheppadalichi,devudini thalachukuntadu.devudu prathyakshamai....

devudu:-cheppu nayana...
kurrodu:-swami naaku naraka pravesam kalipinchandi....
devudu:-baaga aalochinchukonnava nayana...malli nirnayam maarchukovataniki veelu ledu...
kurrodu:-baaga aalochincha swami,naaku narakame kavali.

ventane narakaniki poyina athani mundu oka banda,andhaveheenamaina ammai natyam chestuvuntundi.
adi bharinchaleka malli devudini thalusthadu....

kurrodu:-idi anyaayam swami,yavvanam lo unna naaku aa banda ammaini icchi,musalivadikemo rambhani istaara!!!
devudu:-nayana....idi neeku siksha,adi rambhaki siksha....

[ManOnFire]

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

[ManOnFire]

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

[ManOnFire]

Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT