Jokes

[ManOnFire]

[quote name='Idly Vishwanatham' timestamp='1346588637' post='1302420582']
Nenu daily morning lechi office ki ready ayyaka konta sepu Telugu comedy scenes chusi navvukuni intlo nunchi bayata padatha mama..

Eppudaina kotha scenes dorakkapothe, or late ayithe office ki vellaka ee thread lo 1-2 pages chadivi navvukuni work start chestha.. Thanks for the jokes mama
[/quote]

[ManOnFire]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of
the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[ManOnFire]

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...

He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow, which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position.

He fires his arrow, which hits the center and cuts Robin Hood's arrow into two!!!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!

Finally our Santa in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!

It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... !

[ManOnFire]

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:"I am , I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a

Community Service". Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You"
Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber

he again refuses to take the money.The Confectioner is happy and
leaves the shop.The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at

his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay, the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he

finds there ?

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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with
Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about the free haircut !

[ManOnFire]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating
grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.



“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.



“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.



“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.



“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”



“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us,
too.”



“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.



“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.



They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.



Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you.”



The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”

[ManOnFire]

Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in bar one night having a beer.

Pakistani drinks his beer and throws his glass in the air, pulls out gun and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't
need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't
need to drink with the same ones twice."
Balle balle !!!!

[ManOnFire]

Software enginner and his wife

Conversation between a software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

[ManOnFire]

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for
ministers and reverends in training. Among the
facilitators were many well-known motivational
speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the
pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention,
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the
arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was
my
mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave
his
speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had
attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his
sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny
Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
It
was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he
said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were
spent
in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After
standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to
recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally
blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: "Don't copy if you can't
paste!!"

[ManOnFire]

How will a Mechanical/Production Engg write a love letter???

My Dear Love

From the day u entered in the control volume of my mind
my heart has become a closed system and its entropy is increasing according
to III'rd law of loveodynamics.......

The events and activities are so complex that i cannot find the optimum path
after n nos. of iterations......

My heart is unable to sustain the cyclic load of ur frequent smiles and is
near to endurance limit failure.....

I am quenched in ur thoughts and no heat treatment can save my heart from
decrystalisation now........

please do not test the bearing capacity of my heart valves and lower your
yield strength.........

please do not increase the compression ratio of my heart so much bcoz it is
not designed to bear so much the rmal stress.....

please lower the octane no of ur temper as my little heart is not accustomed
to so much undesired Knocking.......

I am sure that u also would be experiencing some residual stress, and will
someday show a proportionate straining of ur heart according to hooks law
..........and as a Mechi i firmly belive in this theory.....so i will wait
........ till my little heart crosess its ultimate tensile stress and
fractures

Your Hardened lover...

[ManOnFire]

*BUG SPRAY

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield
buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on
you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the
county to buy a case......we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly
with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the
farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the
cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not
a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was
perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look
like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through
bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?*

[ManOnFire]

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by Rs.200. He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet. At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by Rs.200. Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer.
'Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque.'
'And how do you figure that? his employer asks.
'It seems I've been underpaid by Rs.200.'
'Ya, so?'
'No disrespect Sir, but I want my money. '
'Last month I overpaid you by Rs.200 and you didn't complain so why now?
'Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something ' ;-)

[ManOnFire]

"High Blood Pressure"

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my
family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood
pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

[ManOnFire]

[color="#003300"]1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI! [/color]

[color="#003300"]4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!

5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!

6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!

9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!

14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!

15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!

18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY[/color]

[ManOnFire]

[b]New style of writing a love letter:[/b]

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda), after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much, I dare to say that y ou are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me.
I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me.

I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours)!!!!!
xyz

[ManOnFire]

A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him

to come into his office.



“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you

worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds

Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my

employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … that’s alI

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that

straight, what is your last name?”



The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”



“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .